I feel a little like I have a toe on the edge of the cemetery already, I’m not near my plot yet, far from it, in fact it’s at least a day’s hike over on the other side of the hill but I do have more of a sense of my own impermanence.
Molly matures before my eyes giving me this nagging feeling that everything around me is speeding past at breakneck speed and all I can do is watch and let it happen. I feel a sense of loss as each moment passes on its way to antiquity but also a sense of urgency as I try to grab those moments and make the most of them.
This is her about to head of on a non adult-assisted hike. It took a lot of self control to be O.K. with this.
We have our trying times Molly and I but we also have a closeness that I will guard with the ferocity of a lioness. She is at that time in her life when friends and her life outside the home are very important. She will need me less and less and rely on them more and more. I get that.
Preparing for her graduation was a process we both shared: dress shopping, getting her hair done, discovering a shawl that perfectly matched her dress, discussing what shoes to wear. I got as much enjoyment out of it as she did.
On the night it was enough for me to see her shine while surrounded by her friends. There were moments when she would look up searching and find me watching and she would smile that private smile. I am content in the knowledge that she will seek me out when she needs to and know she will always find me looking in her direction.